WXOW Obituaries - Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - This is the first Mother's Day that I don't have her. Why is it so hard and painful for me? (Published 10/30/2012)

A Letter From John & Russell » Visit www.griefrecoverymethod.com » Watch a Testimonial »

Grief Recovery Institute^® Guidance Center

Ask John & Russell

This is the first Mother's Day that I don't have her. Why is it so hard and painful for me? (Published 10/30/2012)

My mom died Dec. 2010. This is the first Mother's Day that I don't have her. Why is it so hard and painful for me? I have no other family, she was all I had, though our relationship could best be described as dysfunctional.

Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Gail,

Sad and excellent question.

It is hard and painful for a lot of reasons.

1. In spite of whatever level of dysfunction, she was your mother.
2. As you say, you have no other family—she was all you had.
3. Holidays, with all the images of family connections, are very difficult—and especially the first ones following a death.
4. Her death robs the hope of repair of the dysfunction and the hope that it could have been replaced by more warm and fuzzy feelings.
5. In fact, it's normal and natural to miss someone at chronicling times like holidays—even if the relationship had been different.

Those are just a few reasons.

But one of the biggest other reasons is that you may not yet have taken actions of Grief Recovery that will help you discover and complete much of what remains emotionally unfinished for you due to the dysfunction you mention. So go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you'll find a shift in how you feel. That doesn’t mean that you will stop having feelings, but the pain should start to diminish.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

« Prev Question Next Question » Ask a Question » View Q&A Archive »

Ask John & Russell Archives

Find Local Support

If you or someone important to you wants help with grief: Look for a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist℠ in your community. The Grief Recovery Institute ® trains and mentors Certified Grief Recovery Specialists℠ throughout the United States & Canada.

See Russell and John's blog at Psychology Today

Workshops & Training Schedule

The Grief Recovery Institute ® offers Certification Training programs for those who wish to help grievers.

May 2013
Los Angeles, CA - May 17 - 20, 2013
New Orleans, LA - May 17 - 20, 2013
Denver, CO - May 17 - 20, 2013

June 2013
Hartford, CT - June 7 - 10, 2013
Phoenix, AZ - June 7 - 10, 2013
Calgary, AB - June 21 - 24, 2013
St. Louis, MO - June 21 - 24, 2013

View All Dates »

Grief Recovery Institute® Guidance Center

John W. James

Russell Friedman

Where were you when I needed you?

Ask John & Russell

This is the first Mother's Day that I don't have her. Why is it so hard and painful for me? (Published 10/30/2012)

Russell Friedman Replies:

Ask John & Russell Archives

Tumultuous relationships usually leave a large residue of unfinished emotional business (Published May 21, 2013)

Trying to put together a puzzle with very few pieces (Published 5/14/2013)

When a new loss is imposed on children in order to save their lives (Published 5/7/13)

How can I be happy and sad at the same time? (Published 4/30/2013)

The Pain of Grief Doesn't Have to Be A Permanent Companion

Sometimes the best way to help someone you love, is to help yourself. (Published 4/16/2013)

A broken heart is sometimes about what never got to happen. (Published 4/9/2013)

We were never close, like a mother and daughter should be. (Published 4/2/2013)

When someone we used to be married to dies, we often experience a re-remembering of the entire relationship, the good, the bad, and sometimes, the ugly. (Published 3/26/2013)

We don't believe there's any such thing as "complicated grief." But there is unattended grief that doesn't get better because time can't heal emotional wounds. (Published 3/19/2013)

Adult or child, “In a crisis we go back to old behaviors or old beliefs." Nine year-old reverts to childlike behavior when dad dies. (Published 3/12/2013)

Sadly, it's all too common that we're confronted with family, financial, and property issues that distract us from the real issue—our broken hearts. (Published 3/5/2013)

We don’t like being dishonest about feelings, it doesn’t help anyone. (Published 2/26/2013)

We have hope for you because in spite of your obvious pain and pessimistic view of the future, you have nonetheless reached out for help. (Published 2/19/2013)

To be your son's leader, you need to learn how to deal effectively with your own losses! (Published 2/12/2013)

Our emotions go to high-alert when we're about to have surgery! (Published 2/5/2013)

What can I do to help myself move on so I can be a happy wife and mother? (Published 1/29/2013)

You don’t have the power to make an alcoholic stop drinking, and all the love in the word can’t repair someone else’s mental health. (Published 1/22/2013)

I can't take losing another person in my life. (Published 1/15/2013)

I still cry every time I think of him. Could I have PTSD? (Published 1/8/2013)

Do recurring dreams about someone who died represent unresolved grief? (Published 1/1/2013)

After my great aunt died, I felt like I hadn't seen her enough, but she lived far away so we never had the money to go see her. (Published 12/25/2012)

Before he died, my husband said I should find someone to take care of me. He did not give me a time frame. I just wanted him to get better. (Published 12/18/2012)

I wasn't raised with my mom, but I did get to spend some time with her after I got out of foster homes. I still feel like there is something missing in my heart. (Published 12/11/2012)

How do I deal with losing them when there was still so much unsaid? (Published 12/4/2012)

Having emotions—including tears—when you look at his picture is not “breaking down.” It is being human and sad and missing someone you love. (Published 11/27/2012)

It's been a year and a half since my wife died and I don't want to face the Holidays. (Published 11/20/2012)

Is Someone Who Cares Reading This? (Published 11/13/2012)

If you stay focused on this one thing—no matter how big it is to you—you rob yourself of the richness and complexity of the whole relationship over three decades. (Published 11/6/2012)

This is the first Mother's Day that I don't have her. Why is it so hard and painful for me? (Published 10/30/2012)

The actions of completion will not be “letting go” of and losing your friends, instead they will allow you to retain all the fond memories you have of them. (Published 10/23/2012)

"Grief is not so much a disease to be cured, as it is a natural reaction to loss, and the goal should be reconciliation and completion, not avoidance." (Published 10/16/2012)

You can be strong, or you can be human, pick one! (Published 10/9/2012)

At six weeks after the death of your spouse, we wouldn't consider your feelings of sadness to be self-absorption. (Published 10/2/2012)

When someone important to us dies, that is one of the biggest, most painful changes we ever experience. (Published 9/25/2012)

You have a lifetime of memories about your Mom, we don’t want you to be stuck on the last images. (Published 9/18/2012)

Two helpful phrases when talking to a grieving person. (Published 9/11/2012)

“How can I tell them I love them when they are not here?” (Published 9/4/2012)

Why me? is a pretty logical question in your circumstances, even though there's no real answer. (Published 8/28/2012)

Trying “not” to think about a painful image just doesn’t work. (Published 8/21/2012)

Drugs Overpower A Mother’s Love (Published 8/14/2012)

Families Don't Always Stick Together (Published 8/7/2012)

Make Small And Accurate Comments As Feelings Come Up (Published 7/31/2012)

I’m Scared, And Don’t Want To Do It, But I Will Do It Anyway (Published 7-24-2012)

If You Focus On The Choices You Had to Make Through Your Rear-View Mirror, You Will Only Harm Yourself (Published 7-17-2012)

I Feel I've Lost A Part Of Me (Published 7-10-2012)

There Are Many Death-Related Situations In Which The Human, Emotional Reaction Is To Be Angry At God (Published 7-3-2012)

Better to say, "At this moment, I don't have much energy," than "I'm depressed today." The latter turns a fleeting feeling into a 24 hour condition (Published 6-26-2012).

Many people get robbed of a funeral and the chance to say "goodbye." Published (6-19-2012)

Grieving people sometimes don't ask for help, and if it's offered, they won’t always take advantage of it. (Published 6-12-2012)

Certain areas of a home—particularly a bedroom or bed, are massive reminders of someone who is no longer alive. (Published 6-5-2012)

We’d guess it's your nature and style to be open and emotive with your feelings. If that's true, we say, YAY! (Published 5-29-2012)

Her possessions represent a tangible link to her and your memory of your life with her. (Published 5-22-2012)

“…And I Forgive You So I Can Be Free”—a phrase can save your emotional life. (Published 5-15-2012)

The reduction of pain does not necessarily mean you're emotionally complete with your friend who died. It may only mean that you're adapting to the loss. (Published 5-8-2012)

Don’t analyze, criticize, or judge the griever—and definitely don’t offer unsolicited opinions or advice. (Published 5-1-2012)

Missing people we never really knew (Published 4-24-2012)

Many people get focused on the end of the relationship and lose sight of the whole relationship (Published 4-17-2012)

Unsolicited advice is never well-received (Published 4-10-2012)

Self-protective actions vs. intent to harm someone else (Published 4-3-2012)

It’s very difficult to help someone who does not want or ask for help (Published 3-27-2012)

If we knew it was going to be their last night, we'd move heaven and earth to be there (Published 3-20-2012)

In condolences, be careful NOT to say "I Know How You Feel" (Published 3-13-12)

Will this sickening, awful feeling ever improve? (Published 3-6-12)

Anticipatory Grief is not real—it means thinking that you can know what feeling you will have in the future which is not here yet (Published 2-28-12)

Feeling half-way good, and then plunging down the emotional elevator shaft (Published 2-21-12)

The emotional stimulus of certain songs or chronicling dates – like anniversaries and birthdays (Published 2-14-12)

No matter how devasted you are by grief, you still need to motivate yourself to take actions that lead to recovery (Published 2-7-12)

It hurts as bad as it did when it first happened, but when I think of it I get extremely angry. (Published 1-31-12)

I'm getting tired of propping everyone else up. (Published 1-24-12)

Love or union is the product of Truthful Communication. (Published 1-17-12)

He was not only my father he was my best friend. (Published 1-10-12)

Grief Recovery Institute^® Guidance Center